


I Promise

by lostatsea



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 2011, Depression, Self-Harm, Taco Bell, Tour, also again: be careful, and present day, basically tyler is sad and josh is literally the best person ever, be careful while reading this i don't mean to trigger anyone, i almost slept instead of writing this, i literally poured this out, josh is SO sweet omg, of course, this isn't a vent fic don't worry! phew not like anyone was concerned though lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 11:22:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15533130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostatsea/pseuds/lostatsea
Summary: Tyler remembered the night when Josh came with tacos and saw what he had done. He remembered the concerned look plastered on Josh's face and the kindness pouring from his heart. But he also remembered the promise he had made, and the promise he had not broken for seven years.





	I Promise

_2011._

It was seven years ago, and Tyler sat on the cold tile of his bathroom floor with a small blade next to him, discarded. He leaned back against the cabinet and let its coldness touch his neck, sending chills down his spine. The bathroom was small and stuffy and hot, but Tyler just felt _cold_.

He had broken his clean streak, but he was apathetic about what he had done. His streak hadn’t been that long anyway, and it was bound to be broken soon. This time, at least he was more careful than the last.

He thought about calling Josh, but he had bothered him enough in the past month. Plus, the whole _band thing_ with him was new, and Tyler couldn’t have him leave like Nick and Chris had done. Josh couldn’t know that he had relapsed. Never.

Tyler knew he was a mess, and the state of the bathroom around him reflected that. He needed to clean up, but he couldn’t will himself to get off of the floor. Instead, he remained seated and closed his eyes, thoughts temping him to go even further. His arms felt heavy, and he wanted to sink right through the floor. He didn’t care anymore.

But then he heard a knock at his apartment door, and he shot up.

“It’s Josh!” He heard a familiar voice call out, and Tyler stood up quickly with fright, fear coursing through him. His vision started to darken out around the edges, and he saw stars.

“Sorry this is an unexpected visit, but I was at Taco Bell. I couldn’t not get you something.” Tyler could hear the smile in his voice as he shouted through the door, but _no no no_ Josh wouldn’t be smiling after he saw what Tyler had done.

Tyler closed the bathroom door quickly and scurried to his closet, looking to find some black hoodie that would cover up his wrists. Luckily, he had plenty to choose from.

But then he met his eyes in the mirror while changing and noticed the redness around them. Josh would know, Josh would see, _Josh would leave_.

“Tyler! Are you in there? I have tacos!” Josh called out again, and Tyler began walking towards the door, each shaky step delivering more and more anxiety. He couldn’t just hide; Josh knew he was home. He had told him that earlier. He didn’t have a way out.

All he wanted was to simply greet Josh, take the food, and then return to the solidarity of his apartment. He couldn’t notice. He couldn’t know.

But when Tyler opened the door, Josh’s smiling face immediately faded into concern. He dropped the Taco Bell bag, and it fell to the floor.

“Hey, Tyler,” he spoke quickly but gently. “What’s wrong?”

_He knew he knew he knew he knew._

Tyler sniffled. “Nothing.”

“But you’re crying, Ty,” Josh reached out to place his hand on Tyler’s shoulder, but Tyler stepped back immediately. Josh retreated back to the doorway and picked up the bag on the ground before leaning forward. “Let me come in, okay? We’ll sort this out.”

Tyler’s stomach flipped, but he nodded. Slowly. He bit his lip thinking about their upcoming conversation, and he looked at the path to the door to plan a quick exit if needed.

But Josh made his way to the couch, and he motioned for Tyler to follow. Reluctantly, Tyler came, knowing he had no other choice.

“Okay, what’s going on?” Josh started, eyes locked to follow Tyler’s every move and change in emotions.

“I can handle it,” Tyler took a large breath. “I don’t mean to be a bother.”

“You’re never a bother,” Josh’s forehead had wrinkles creased with concern, and eyes wide with worry. The thought that _he was doing this to Josh_ made Tyler want to crawl in on himself and hide forever. But instead, he leaned back against the couch and hugged a pillow tightly.

“I’m a bother. I’ve been a bother this whole month. You’re going to be so mad at me.” The words came rapidly out before Tyler noticed what he said.

“Did you relapse?” Josh’s voice was so _so_ soft.

Tears were now rolling down Tyler’s face. He was purely shaking.

“Hey, hey,” Josh was quick to respond. “That’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not upset with you.”

Tyler looked up slightly from his downward gaze, wiping stray tears from his face.

“Life is going to have its ups and downs,” Josh continued. “You’ll get back up again.”

“I should have never gotten you involved,” Tyler murmured into the pillow.

“Please don’t say that, okay? We’re going to get through this together. I promise,” Josh tried to smile lightly, and he moved closer to the other boy. “Are the cuts bad? Do you need me to help you clean them?”

“They’re not as bad.” He was quiet. “I was more careful.”

“That’s good, Tyler,” Josh nodded. “Small improvements are still good.”

Tyler felt sick.

“Next time, please just let me know before you want to hurt yourself. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, out, or if you think you’re being a bother,” Josh breathed out. “I want you to call me, and I’ll talk you through it. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.”

Tyler nodded.

“Any time. Any day. I’ll be there,” Josh reached out his arms, and Tyler finally caved in for a hug. He buried his head in Josh’s shoulder and let himself cry.

“Promise me you’ll be okay,” Josh said. He was scared.

Tyler backed out of the hug slightly, only to make eye contact with Josh. “I promise.”

He couldn’t let this happen again.

 

***

_Present Day._

January was always a tough month for Tyler. The glow and heat of the summer sun was absent, instead replaced by a harsh, bitter wind and grey skies for miles and miles and miles. It was even lonelier in the dark, when it was freezing and dismal and _black_ and it made it seem like the sun would never rise again.

Tyler made his walk from backstage to the tour bus alone. Josh was catching up with someone inside that he knew from his home in Los Angeles, and Jenna was back home in Ohio, taking a break from the constant touring and on-the-road craziness that he knew she didn’t like. Mark had met a producer and the two were chatting it up, and Brad was still filming footage for the tour recaps he posted on Youtube.    

And so, Tyler was alone.  

A weird, unease had been settling in his stomach during this tour, growing slowly but steadily, and he was frightened by it. Something felt off about him singing songs to screaming fans who he would never meet and never talk to. The stage felt so large but empty, and the person standing there and singing with a ukulele and a smile felt like a stranger. He wasn’t special. His words weren’t unusual. He was just a lost boy from Ohio, no idol. He was hopeless in the world too, without a place.

But tonight seemed worse. There was an itch under his sleeve, and he wasn’t sure what to do.

He didn’t know what caused the feeling's amplification, but the shift from the bright vibrance and loudness of the arena to the dull quiet of the tour bus was definitely a contributing factor. The energy of the audience and songs was still in Tyler’s veins, but the emptiness of the dark bus offered no outlet for that feeling. It felt him scarred with electricity and shaky hands and racing thoughts.

Usually, Tyler just took a shower or talked to Jenna or stayed up working on new music.

But tonight, he didn’t want to be alone.

But he didn’t want to be a bother either.

Tyler disappeared in the shadows as he climbed the steps into the bus and headed for his bunk in the back. The empty bus was eerie, and he wasn’t sure he ever felt so lonely.

Tyler clicked on his phone as he settled in the bunk, the blankets feeling scratchy and uncomfortable. Twitter was buzzing with videos and news about their latest show, but he couldn’t bring himself to watch any of them. He didn’t know the man singing.

Eventually, after staring at his phone screen for a couple of minutes and zoning out until his vision was clouded with blurs of pixels instead of images, Tyler decided to walk into the bathroom. Possibly, he thought, he could shower, but when he stumbled upon his razor, his plan started to become foggy and the room started spinning.

He walked out of the bathroom quickly, needing to escape that scene, and walked to the couch. An intense sweep of shame washed over him, and he felt like he was back seven years ago on his own bathroom floor, weighing his life and its importance but feeling so alone as well. His past self could never imagine that he would land where he was today, and maybe, Tyler thought, that was why he couldn’t recognize himself anymore.

But he knew his old self too well, and he remembered the night when Josh came with tacos and saw what he had done. He remembered the concerned look plastered on Josh's face and the kindness pouring from his heart. But he also remembered the promise he had made, and the promise he had not broken for seven years.

He leaned back and took a large breath. He could just text or call Josh. He didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t have to break his own word. Plus, everyone knew that Tyler was getting better, and this scene playing out the way he wanted it to would only lead to complications. What if Josh or Jenna found out? What if his parents found out? What if the _fans_ found out?

But _this was bad this was bad this was bad_. Tyler had so much energy, and his hands needed something. His mind needed that release. He needed it so badly.

He grabbed his phone and found Josh’s contact. He clicked on the number before thinking about it.

“Tyler! What’s up?” Josh sounded so happy, and Tyler felt sick about killing his high spirits.

“Can you maybe…” Tyler stuttered, tapping his foot anxiously on the ground, “…come back to the tour bus now?”

Tyler, now frozen in place, heard a pause before Josh resumed. “Yeah, of course. Is everything alright?”

“Just, umm, be quick,” Tyler muttered. He didn’t want to answer the question.

Josh said he’d be there as soon as possible, and the call ended with that.

It felt like hours while Tyler sat there and listened to the silence. He could only hear his breath.

Finally, he heard the tour bus door opened sharply, and his name was called out immediately before Josh laid his eyes upon the shaking boy. Tyler looked down, bracing for whatever would come next. 

But Josh was gentle. He sat down next to Tyler quietly and reached for his hand. His presence and hand both felt warm, and Tyler let out a breath because _at least someone was here now_. He wasn’t alone anymore.

Tyler was the one who spoke first. “I didn’t want to break my promise.” He felt so fragile and open and exposed.

“Ty,” was all Josh said, and Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. “It’s getting bad again?” Josh continued, voice soft but concerned.

Tyler nodded. “I didn’t do it. I wanted to, but I didn’t.” He felt so shameful to admit it—that he was even thinking about hurting himself again. He wanted to crawl out of his skin and become someone else because now Josh _knew_.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Josh inquired, gently. "You don't have to now if you don't want to, but eventually, I think it would be helpful." 

Tyler sighed. "Not right now. I'm tired." The nervous swell of energy that Tyler felt before had suddenly disappeared, replaced by a thick cloud of pure exhaustion. "I will soon though," Tyler continued, "Maybe tomorrow." 

Josh nodded, pausing for a moment, before turning to look at Tyler and speaking again. "I'm proud of you." His voice sounded like honey. 

Tyler shook his head.

“Hey,” Josh said, sterner. “I’m proud of you, okay? I’m proud of you for calling me to come before anything happened, and I’m proud of you for being open about it.”

Tyler nodded this time.

“I’m proud of you for keeping our promise, too,” Josh smiled and raised their already interlocked hands. “We got through it last time, and we’ll do it again. I promise.”

Tyler nodded again, turning his face to look at the other boy. It was seven years ago again, and the two were sitting together on a couch, huddled in a hug with tears in their eyes and promises dangling on their lips.

**Author's Note:**

> please please please please please leave a comment if you liked it. i live for comments and i really would appreciate it. <3


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